Day to Day

So this past week has been very interesting, Full of ups, downs & illness in our household! BG finally made it home Tuesday afternoon & B was admitted to WPIC. We did finally find out what case the GAL was appointed for & it is a crock of $hit, B's old school(the mainstream one he no longer attends) filed AGAIN in court for Truancy, even though he had been attending the behavioral school on a regular basis! Nothing is going to come of the case as it can be proven that B was in school, but it still doesn't make it any less stressful! 

As things stand right now B's discharge plan from WPIC is that he will either go to a long term RTF & if they can't place him upon his discharge then he will be placed into CPS custody(we are voluntarily giving them temporary custody) until they can get him a spot in a long RTF! We don't now exactly when he will be discharged from WPIC or what RTF he will go to(or even if it is close to us) but we DO KNOW that this is what is best for him as he will be able to get 24 hr care & treatment in a RTF that he cannot get at home! I am sure many of you are wondering why we would do this to our own child but until you have been through what we have been through you can never fully understand! We love our son Very Much, So much so that we are willing to let him go to make sure that he gets the Help, Treatment & Care the he so desperately needs! You see, most insurances will not pay for psychiatric treatment, other then Acute care(which is very short term & not very helpful for B)! So in order to get the RTF paid for we either have to find an RTF that will work with us & make sure our insurance will pay for long term Psych care or CPS has to have custody so that they can get him covered under state insurance(which will pay for it)! Unfortunately for us it seems that the latter is probably going to be the only way we can make it work & We have to do what is best for B so that he gets the treatment he needs to get better! If CPS takes custody(we would actually voluntarily sign over temporary custody but maintain Parental Rights at all times) then they would place him in a RTF and all the treatment would be paid for by the state. He would remain in temporary custody of CPS for a year & then we would re-evaluate the situation, if after the first year he is making progress at the RTF & it looks like he would be able to be discharged with in another year then CPS would keep temporary custody of him until he is discharged from the RTF(it has to be with in the 2nd year time frame) then we would be given custody back! If after 2 years he is still in CPS custody then they will take permanent custody but we will still maintain our parental rights so that we may be involved in what ever happens in his life! Should B get well enough to come out of the RTF after CPS has already taken permanent custody them we can petition to get custody of him back & then a Judge would have to decide if it was in everyone's(B's & the other children) best interest to have him placed back in the home! No final decisions have been made yet but there are some meetings set up for this coming week to discuss our options and determine what is the best course of action! NO decision we make is going to be an easy one & We agonize over it every day & night but we want what is best not only for B but for ALL the children invovled!

On another note:

This week H, L & LJ have been wired, crazy & off the hook! The beginning of the week was really bad as their behavior was obnoxious, they were not listening at all, they were extremely combative with each other and just plain spastic but things started to calm down as the week came to an end & it was a very nice change! We took the kids to breakfast & out to see HOP on Saturday and everyone loved it, we had a very nice time & enjoyed the non-stressed environment! We also took the kids to the grocery store, which was a crazy idea on my part but we manged to get through it all with out any major fits(For once) & get the needed items! I wasn't able to get everything on my list(I usually get a majority of  my grocery shopping done at the beginning of the month & then just pick up the needed items throughout the month) as I was in some major pain which I believe maybe Endometriosis & just wanted to go home & rest! Last night we all watch the Kids Choice Awards & had a blast, they kids all went to bed fairly peacefully and slept through the night without an issues, YAY!!!!! I am hoping that this coming week is going to be less stressful for all of us & that the kids can try to settle back into a routine(which they desperately need) as things start to change!

The 2AM Phone Call

So things have been completely crazy since my last post! B was off the hook all weekend & all he did was continue to be destructive, obnoxious & aggressive, So we had no option other then too try and contain him in his room to keep everyone safe. We were also blindsided on Saturday by a letter that came in the mail notifying us that B has been issued a GAL(Guardian Ad Litem) by the Juvenile courts! He did have a case a few months back filed by the mainstream school he was attending, They complained he was truant because he was out with a broken leg & could not attend due to the fact that he was in a cast from hip to toes & his mainstream school was not ADA compliant to allow him the accessibility to get around. Of course BG went to the mediation hearing and explained the situation(keep in mind B was in Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh at this time), the faculty members from his mainstream school were mean, yelled at BG & told him it was our fault B was the way he was but they didn't have a problem with him(of course they didn't because they gave him everything he wanted & babied the crap out of him by doing his school work for him), We were then told that we needed to notify the courts to where ever B went to school(the mainstream school was just pissed off because we had B transferred to a behavioral school) & that other then that the case was done! However the case in which a GAL was issued is a totally different case, the problem is that we don't know what the case actually is because we haven't been served with the court documents yet(we got the GAL doc by U.S. Mail but the notification of the actually cased usually will come certified & we haven't received anything yet)! All we know it that someone filled an Unruly Child Charge against him and that he now has a GAL to help us in the case. After the horrible weekend we had BG called the Psychiatrist the sees B and asked what we should do with him, She called back to inform us that in order to have him placed in a long term RTF it has to be court ordered, But she believes that is probably the best shot he has to get help! I guess having the case against him(not that we know anything about it yet) could be beneficial in getting the order we need to have him placed for long term treatment, however it is going to be a time consuming issue which is concerning, even more so 
now considering what happened tonight!


B was so off the hook tonight(Monday) that he trashed his room again & broke another double pained window in his room, all the while saying "He Hated Us" and "Wished We Were Dead"! So we did just what CPS & Jefferson Behavioral(his Psych's office) told us to do if he got out of control again, we called the Police....BG was at work in Pittsburgh and called the Sheriff's Dept who then proceeds to call me at home to see how things are going! WTF, what do mean how are things going, the are horrible & my son is completely out of control! She then tells me that because he is so young that Jail/Juvenile Detention is not the place for him & that it will have bad repercussions on the other kids as B would probably not go quietly! I thought to my self, Well NO DUH DUMB ASS, I already knew that but you are suppose to be able to help me! She then tells me that there is nothing they can do for me and that she would pass the message on to her Sergeant and that he may call me! YEAH, like that is really going to do anything for us :(


So BG called WPIC(An Acute RTF/hospital) again and they said to bring him in immediately! So once again BG left work to come home & take our out of control child back to the RTF AGAIN! He left home about 7:30 pm & considering it is about an hour drive to this place he arrived in the ER unit at WPIC around 8:30, B is the only child in the ER dept at this point! I am home with the rest of the children, who are all sleeping soundly when I receive my 2 AM phone call from BG, he is still in the ER unit & has no idea when he will be home. B is out of control & wired off the hook, So BG is having issues keeping him from waking up the others that are in the ER unit as well! He is not allowed to have his cell phone with him so I have no contact with him & I had no idea what was happening until he called to tell me that he was OK but very tired as B was running him ragged & he wasn't able to get an rest. WPIC  doesn't have a bed available for B right now but because of the severity of his condition the will not release him, So BG has to stay up there with B and wait for a bed to open up so that he may be admitted! I, nor BG have any idea of how long they will have to wait for bed & I am concerned about BG getting sleep so that he can drive home once B is admitted! My guess is that B will be in WPIC for about 2 weeks(maybe a little longer), So now we have to fight the time clock to find out about this court case against B & try to get in to see a judge who hopefully will grant a motion to have him ordered into a long term RTF before he comes out of the Acute Facility!


I know I must sound like a horrible mother, wanting to have my child committed so to speak but he NEEDS the HELP and I, nor anyone around us(including his behavioral school) seem to be able to give that to him! I am finally glad that a few people are getting to see what we see & understand that B, despite his very young age, has a very advanced degree of violence & can  do more damage then anyone one believes. At this point not only do we believe that an RTF is his best shot but so do the Director of the behavioral school, his Psychiatrist & apparently someone else(who ever filed the unruly charge against him)! This really is a case of "You got to see it to believe it", because of his age no one believes that he can really do the damage that I speak of but I know first hand just how physically & emotionally destructive my little boy can be!
I don't know what the future holds for any of us at this point but I know that I am going to FIGHT to get my Son, B any help he needs while trying to keep my other children safe, NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO DO!

Broken Window, Shattered Family

I don't even know where to start at this point! I am at my wits end and just when I think things can't get any worse they do! My son, B is off the hook and has completely lost control, as have we as parents when it come to dealing with him! He has been throwing daily fits and I don't mean he threw his stuffed animals across his room! In B's room there is a bed and curtains, or at least there was....He had trashed his room back in October before he did his first stint in the first RTF(Residential Treatment Facility) which prompted us to take every thing that he hadn't destroyed or broken out of his room for his safety and the fact that he was doing physical damage to his room! His worst fit came yesterday night, on March 25 as he not only trashed his room but shattered one of his double pained windows all the way through! He has been progressively getting worse and FAST, So much so that the Behavioral School that he is attending is threating to kick him out because even they say he is too much to handle and they have advised us to seek out other options, such as an (Residential Treatment Center)! I laugh because this come just one day after a meeting with CPS about potential options of placement for B in which they told us that 1.) He would be almost impossible to place in a foster setting (while they try to get him placed in a RTC) because of his history & behavioral issues, 2.) That he would probably sit in the system for 3-6 months waiting for a placement in a RTC & that all they would contact other family memebers to see if they could take him(which means contacting his sexual abuser because they found no substance to the case against her) and I said NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! 3.) That most kids that go into a RTC come out worse then they go in if they come out at all.....Yeah, like I didn't already know all this, I am a Psych Major! So after balling my eyes out CPS & telling them I couldnt do this anymore I finally gave in and said to call the one person who I didn't want him around ever again, his abuser! I know it sounds like I am a horrible mother wanting to send him back to the place where he was molested but that was the only option I had & I have 4 other kids that I have to protect as well. CPS is all about B's best interest but they forget that there are other children involved & it is effecting them more then anyone(including me) ever realized! Last night my daughter's Facebook status tells a perfect story of how it is effecting her & I never knew how much she was effected until I read that & started crying. My son, LJ was in the tub when B started beating on the wall last night and it scared him so bad he started screaming, I had to go into the bathroom and take LJ out immediately hoping he would calm down, well needless to say that didn't happen. Poor LJ spent 40 mins, naked in my family room crying cause he wouldn't take his hands off his ears long enough to put his pajamas on because of all the loud noises & banging coming from B's room! I finally had to dress my 6 yr old son and put in my room w/ his sister, turn up my TV really loudly & shut the door! My older 2 sons, H & L were fighting and not wanting to go to bed because the tension in the house, I mean these are good kids and recently H, L & LJ have all been in trouble at school a lot which is not like them at all! I know kids go through phases as they grow up but that is not what this is, it is different in what kind of behavior is being exhibited, more like they are frustrated & looking for attention! This is what is called the trickle down effect, one thing causes other things to happen and it snowballs. Story of my Life!!!!!!!!!!
Last night after B's big fit & breaking the window my husband came home from work early(not the we can afford it but what are ya going to do) and B was taken to the hospital to see if we could get him back in a RTF(WPIC) till we can find a permanent place for treatment & WPIC was full so they sent him home. So far today he has pulled down the curtains that my husband put back up to cover the hole in the window, he has thrown the screen that was covering the broken window out of the hole in the broken window as well as a bunch of other things, such as his covers, a piece of baseboard he ripped off of his wall and part of his bed frame but that is not the worst of it....He then climbed out his window through the broken glass to get outside and play! Mind you his window is not super far up but it is not at ground level either, so he had to jump down & then after I got him back in the house and put him back in his room because he cant be out with the other kids, My next door neighbor comes over to tell me he is sticking his head out the window and almost cut his neck!!!!!!!!! BG is in the middle of covering up the broken window with ply wood and then I don't know what is going to happen.......
I did finally make a decision but it wasn't on the subject I thought it was going to be :( I told BG that if he couldn't find placement for B by this coming Friday that we would have to separate until something else could be worked out! I don't want a separation but I have to do what is best for my other children too(I know it would be hard on them and they would get upset but I have to protect them from any further damage being done by B), even if it means I get terribly hurt in the process too!

My Life the Rollercoaster

So many things have happened in my life that I am almost not sure where to start for you all! We I introduced my self yesterday and gave you a brief description of my crazy life but there is just so much that you don't know! For starters I am currently sick(which isn't anything out of the ordinary these days because of the immunosuppresents I am on) yet because I am sick there are certain meds I cannot take till I get better so it is a constant battle with my health as I try to be the best parent I can be to my 5 very special children!

My daughter, G is struggling with her own battle of trying to balance feeling crappy with functioning in everyday life. She was recently(in the last 60 days) diagnosed with her own invisible illnesses(inherited from me of course) and yet we still have other tests scheduled to check for other issues as she is currently presenting with daily :( She is on night meds which make it hard for her to get up in the morning so I have to make sure she is up for school every morning at 5:45am, however that also means that I get limited sleep because of having to be up so early with her(even if I am only out of my bed for a few minutes when I do get to crawl back in my bed I am still awake). Since she is tired a lot there are many things she doesn't do(such as extra curricular activities)as well as staying awake in the middle of the afternoon. I know she is in pain most of the time and I feel so bad for her that not only can I not make it better but that I gave her these illnesses in the first place :(

My older sons, H & L are actually doing okay right now, minus the attitude that I seem to get daily from H but I think that it has a lot to do with his age at this point more then anything! Coming up in April I do have an IEP re-evaluation meeting for H(just to reset his guidelines for next school year) & they are also going to do an IAT team meeting for L as well to see if he now qualifies for an IEP(he is currently on a 504 cause he didn't meet the guildlines when he was tested 3+ yrs ago)!

My youngest son LJ has become quite obnoxious lately and I am not sure what it going on with him! He has been bringing home yellow cards as opposed to green and that is not like him at all. He is super smart(scored a 28/28 on his krawl test at the beginning of kindergarten & he never had any preschool at all) and I was very hopeful that he was the one that was going to grow out of his ADHD behavior(not that you can grow out of it but yet learn to self adjust thus creating less issues educationally) but I am not so sure anymore. I think I am going to talk to the pediatrician about changing his ADHD med cause he is already on a pretty decent dose for his age & it just doesn't seem to be holding him any longer! It is so frustrating to see your child act like this and know that you cant do anything for him :(

Last but not least....

My son B is in a category of his own and there is no comparison to the other children at all. In order for you to understand what is currently happening I have to back track to explain how we got here. First let me say that B is technically my step-son( I don't say this because I want to make it known but because I want you all to understand that the FAS diagnoses he carries is not because of me but due to the choices of his egg donor) yet I have raised him since he was 6 months old and love him as my own, no matter what any one else may say or think! B was severely developmentally delayed as a infant/child and around that age of 2 started to present with very violent & uncontrollable behaviors. No, it was not normal terrible 2 behaviors yet multiplied to the extreme & then some. Between the ages of 2 1/2 & 3 he had been kicked out of 6 daycares and was then placed with my MIL during the days so that I could finish attending college(I had gone to college in November of 05' to try & get my Psychology degree) & even she called & said he was out of control & to come pick him up. I finally dropped out of college 1 term shy of my AA in psychology to stay home with my child who had undetermined issues as all the doctors would tell us he was fine and that we worried to much!

While all this was going on we were also dealing with the courts to try and take away bio-mom's visitation, which we DID get, she is NOT allowed to see him and hasn't since he was 2 1/2(Thank God for that cause she is a nightmare in her self). Since non of the doctors wanted to admit my child had a problem we pretty much just dealt with him as well as we could but it was a daily struggle to keep sanity & safety in our house.

When B started kindergarten I went in to the school before classed started and explained to the principle what they would be dealing with & I got the same response I got from all the daycares as well: "We are used to dealing with kids like this, he will be just fine!" Needless to say the first day of school I was called into the principles office to discuss my son, big surprise...NOT! To make a long story short; He only went till Christmas break because they couldn't handle him and I am sorry but when the school calls me multiple times a week to come pick up my child because they can control him & are having to isolate & restrain him to keep him and everyone else safe, It is time for him to be done! He was placed on medication after he started having problems in school the first time(I found an amazing pediatrician who finally saw what I saw and realized I wasn't crazy) but nothing seemed to work as we would get mild results for about 2 weeks(if that) and then right back to his crazy, uncontrollably, violent & erratic behavior! In the last 2.5 years he has been on the following drugs: Focalin, Zoloft, Concerta, Strattera, Adderall, Adderall XR, Depakote, Risperdal, Trazodone, Clonidine, Tenex, Seroquel, Vvyanse, Abilify &Welburtin, NONE of them have worked! B has progressively gotten worse as the years go by and he gets older & this past May thing really took a turn for the worse, so much that I had to call his pediatrician and ask her what else we can do for him. Her advice was to place him in a RTC(Residential Treatment Center)but the only one she knew of was 2 hr away from us & only took kids as young as 10, so then she recommended finding a Psych to take him to and she what they could do for him but she would help in any way she could. We found a psych office to start taking him to but by them things were even worse then before. This past June they did a complete Psych work up & evaluation on him but before we could get the results back he pulled out the big guns & stabbed me while I was sleeping! I blame my self as we knew he was dangerous yet I feel asleep(mainly because of the meds I was taking at the time) & he went and got a knife from our butcher block in the kitchen & stabbed me in the arm! We didn't do what we should have & called the cops because he was only 7, so instead we hid what happened and tried to find other ways to keep him secured when needed. Since June we have gotten his Psych evaluation back & he has also escalated in behavior multiple times resulting in him doing 4 separate stints in 2 different Psych hospitals just since the end of October! He has trashed his whole room(and I don't mean like threw his toys across the room) I am talking like broke his bed, smashed his dresser drawers to pieces, ripped down his curtains & rods, put huge holes in the walls with the wood from him bed as well as the curtain rods, He would try to climb out of his windows so we had to nail them shut from the outside, He chased his sister around the kitchen with a knife, he has tried to kill him self by slicing his entire inner forearm open, he has threated to kill him self, Me & our daughter as well. While he was in the first psych hospital he made allegations of sexual abuse against a family member(not in our direct household) so CPS was called and we are waiting on that investigation to be completed(We have since taken that side of the family out of our lives as to protect all our children from further potential opportunities). Due to the severity of B's behavior CPS is still involved and they now make monthly family home visits to check up on things, which brings me to the present time! He is home right now & attending a behavioral school who is also having issues with him behaviorally. He has been off the hook since being home and we just aren't sure where to go at this point. Our CPS caseworker called me Monday to ask about setting up the next monthly visit and then called back not 20 min later saying that she got an abuse allegation concerning B! He had some marks on him(that he caused to him self during one of his fits mind you) and went to school and told them that MOM beat his A$$!!!!!! So now she tell me that she has to come out and see him & do an investigation... WTF, I am the one who lives in fear, is terrorized & threatened but I am being investigated??????  I know it sounds stupid to be afraid of a child who is so young but until you live it, you have NO idea what someone like that is truly capable of doing, it is so very scary to have to have that live just a few doors down from you. B has an alarm on his door so that when he opens it we all know he is out so that we may keep everyone in the house safe but that doesn't help LJ who is too scared to sleep in his own room for fear of his brother that he sleeps on my floor! Our caseworker came out yesterday & B told her that he DID lie about the marks & that he did them him self, he also told her that he no longer wants to live with us but the family member who molested him! We have another meeting with CPS tomorrow to discuss our options as far as trying to get him more help cause he is just not getting it they way he needs, we are also going to talk about living arraignments and the possibility of him being placed in a long term RTC to get better so that no only he can heal but the rest of us can too!

I know it seems like we are giving up on him and the last thing we want to do is send him away but he NEEDS HELP and we just cant give it to him they way he needs it! He need more then we can give right now and we are just trying to be the best parents we can be for him and the rest of the children!

Well that is pretty much what is going on in My Rollercoaster of a Life right now and yes it has it's up's & down's, it is crazy, hectic, wild & obnoxious but like I promised....It may not be Pretty but it will always be Real!

Welcome to my blog!

Hello & Thanks for reading my blog!

Let me start by saying I am not an expert in any field & I don't claim to know everything but I would like to share my life with you. I am doing this as a way to spread my story in hopes that it could potentially help others & also as a way for me to get some release!

I am married to a wonderful man, BG and even though we have been through everything together we still have our moments! We have 5 amazingly different children & all of them have some sort of special need or illness going on as well as being on daily medications, not to mention my illnesses & meds! My daughter G has Fibromyalgia, they are still looking at JRA & they are testing her for Neuropathy now as well. My oldest son H has ADHD w/ learning disabilities, My son L has ADD, APD & severe learning disabilities, My son LJ has ADHD & my son B has FAS, ODD, Antisocial Personality Disorder, ADHD, Severe Anxiety, is Narcissistic & has been sexual molested by a family member. I have my own handful of illnesses & challenges but my children always come first!

This will be a True, Raw & Honest blog about my life as a parent to children with Special Needs & Invisible Illnesses! I can't promise you it will be Pretty, but I can promise you it will be Real!

Welcome to my Wild & Crazy Life :)