Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Life the Rollercoaster

So many things have happened in my life that I am almost not sure where to start for you all! We I introduced my self yesterday and gave you a brief description of my crazy life but there is just so much that you don't know! For starters I am currently sick(which isn't anything out of the ordinary these days because of the immunosuppresents I am on) yet because I am sick there are certain meds I cannot take till I get better so it is a constant battle with my health as I try to be the best parent I can be to my 5 very special children!

My daughter, G is struggling with her own battle of trying to balance feeling crappy with functioning in everyday life. She was recently(in the last 60 days) diagnosed with her own invisible illnesses(inherited from me of course) and yet we still have other tests scheduled to check for other issues as she is currently presenting with daily :( She is on night meds which make it hard for her to get up in the morning so I have to make sure she is up for school every morning at 5:45am, however that also means that I get limited sleep because of having to be up so early with her(even if I am only out of my bed for a few minutes when I do get to crawl back in my bed I am still awake). Since she is tired a lot there are many things she doesn't do(such as extra curricular activities)as well as staying awake in the middle of the afternoon. I know she is in pain most of the time and I feel so bad for her that not only can I not make it better but that I gave her these illnesses in the first place :(

My older sons, H & L are actually doing okay right now, minus the attitude that I seem to get daily from H but I think that it has a lot to do with his age at this point more then anything! Coming up in April I do have an IEP re-evaluation meeting for H(just to reset his guidelines for next school year) & they are also going to do an IAT team meeting for L as well to see if he now qualifies for an IEP(he is currently on a 504 cause he didn't meet the guildlines when he was tested 3+ yrs ago)!

My youngest son LJ has become quite obnoxious lately and I am not sure what it going on with him! He has been bringing home yellow cards as opposed to green and that is not like him at all. He is super smart(scored a 28/28 on his krawl test at the beginning of kindergarten & he never had any preschool at all) and I was very hopeful that he was the one that was going to grow out of his ADHD behavior(not that you can grow out of it but yet learn to self adjust thus creating less issues educationally) but I am not so sure anymore. I think I am going to talk to the pediatrician about changing his ADHD med cause he is already on a pretty decent dose for his age & it just doesn't seem to be holding him any longer! It is so frustrating to see your child act like this and know that you cant do anything for him :(

Last but not least....

My son B is in a category of his own and there is no comparison to the other children at all. In order for you to understand what is currently happening I have to back track to explain how we got here. First let me say that B is technically my step-son( I don't say this because I want to make it known but because I want you all to understand that the FAS diagnoses he carries is not because of me but due to the choices of his egg donor) yet I have raised him since he was 6 months old and love him as my own, no matter what any one else may say or think! B was severely developmentally delayed as a infant/child and around that age of 2 started to present with very violent & uncontrollable behaviors. No, it was not normal terrible 2 behaviors yet multiplied to the extreme & then some. Between the ages of 2 1/2 & 3 he had been kicked out of 6 daycares and was then placed with my MIL during the days so that I could finish attending college(I had gone to college in November of 05' to try & get my Psychology degree) & even she called & said he was out of control & to come pick him up. I finally dropped out of college 1 term shy of my AA in psychology to stay home with my child who had undetermined issues as all the doctors would tell us he was fine and that we worried to much!
While all this was going on we were also dealing with the courts to try and take away bio-mom's visitation, which we DID get, she is NOT allowed to see him and hasn't since he was 2 1/2(Thank God for that cause she is a nightmare in her self). Since non of the doctors wanted to admit my child had a problem we pretty much just dealt with him as well as we could but it was a daily struggle to keep sanity & safety in our house.
When B started kindergarten I went in to the school before classed started and explained to the principle what they would be dealing with & I got the same response I got from all the daycares as well: "We are used to dealing with kids like this, he will be just fine!" Needless to say the first day of school I was called into the principles office to discuss my son, big surprise...NOT! To make a long story short; He only went till Christmas break because they couldn't handle him and I am sorry but when the school calls me multiple times a week to come pick up my child because they can control him & are having to isolate & restrain him to keep him and everyone else safe, It is time for him to be done! He was placed on medication after he started having problems in school the first time(I found an amazing pediatrician who finally saw what I saw and realized I wasn't crazy) but nothing seemed to work as we would get mild results for about 2 weeks(if that) and then right back to his crazy, uncontrollably, violent & erratic behavior! In the last 2.5 years he has been on the following drugs: Focalin, Zoloft, Concerta, Strattera, Adderall, Adderall XR, Depakote, Risperdal, Trazodone, Clonidine, Tenex, Seroquel, Vvyanse, Abilify &Welburtin, NONE of them have worked! B has progressively gotten worse as the years go by and he gets older & this past May thing really took a turn for the worse, so much that I had to call his pediatrician and ask her what else we can do for him. Her advice was to place him in a RTC(Residential Treatment Center)but the only one she knew of was 2 hr away from us & only took kids as young as 10, so then she recommended finding a Psych to take him to and she what they could do for him but she would help in any way she could. We found a psych office to start taking him to but by them things were even worse then before. This past June they did a complete Psych work up & evaluation on him but before we could get the results back he pulled out the big guns & stabbed me while I was sleeping! I blame my self as we knew he was dangerous yet I feel asleep(mainly because of the meds I was taking at the time) & he went and got a knife from our butcher block in the kitchen & stabbed me in the arm! We didn't do what we should have & called the cops because he was only 7, so instead we hid what happened and tried to find other ways to keep him secured when needed. Since June we have gotten his Psych evaluation back & he has also escalated in behavior multiple times resulting in him doing 4 separate stints in 2 different Psych hospitals just since the end of October! He has trashed his whole room(and I don't mean like threw his toys across the room) I am talking like broke his bed, smashed his dresser drawers to pieces, ripped down his curtains & rods, put huge holes in the walls with the wood from him bed as well as the curtain rods, He would try to climb out of his windows so we had to nail them shut from the outside, He chased his sister around the kitchen with a knife, he has tried to kill him self by slicing his entire inner forearm open, he has threated to kill him self, Me & our daughter as well. While he was in the first psych hospital he made allegations of sexual abuse against a family member(not in our direct household) so CPS was called and we are waiting on that investigation to be completed(We have since taken that side of the family out of our lives as to protect all our children from further potential opportunities). Due to the severity of B's behavior CPS is still involved and they now make monthly family home visits to check up on things, which brings me to the present time! He is home right now & attending a behavioral school who is also having issues with him behaviorally. He has been off the hook since being home and we just aren't sure where to go at this point. Our CPS caseworker called me Monday to ask about setting up the next monthly visit and then called back not 20 min later saying that she got an abuse allegation concerning B! He had some marks on him(that he caused to him self during one of his fits mind you) and went to school and told them that MOM beat his A$$!!!!!! So now she tell me that she has to come out and see him & do an investigation... WTF, I am the one who lives in fear, is terrorized & threatened but I am being investigated??????  I know it sounds stupid to be afraid of a child who is so young but until you live it, you have NO idea what someone like that is truly capable of doing, it is so very scary to have to have that live just a few doors down from you. B has an alarm on his door so that when he opens it we all know he is out so that we may keep everyone in the house safe but that doesn't help LJ who is too scared to sleep in his own room for fear of his brother that he sleeps on my floor! Our caseworker came out yesterday & B told her that he DID lie about the marks & that he did them him self, he also told her that he no longer wants to live with us but the family member who molested him! We have another meeting with CPS tomorrow to discuss our options as far as trying to get him more help cause he is just not getting it they way he needs, we are also going to talk about living arraignments and the possibility of him being placed in a long term RTC to get better so that no only he can heal but the rest of us can too!
I know it seems like we are giving up on him and the last thing we want to do is send him away but he NEEDS HELP and we just cant give it to him they way he needs it! He need more then we can give right now and we are just trying to be the best parents we can be for him and the rest of the children!

Well that is pretty much what is going on in My Rollercoaster of a Life right now and yes it has it's up's & down's, it is crazy, hectic, wild & obnoxious but like I promised....It may not be Pretty but it will always be Real!


  1. Alex, I had no idea of everything you & Ben are dealing with. This is all so terrible. I am saying prayers for you all. Thank you for being open & sharing your life! Love u!

  2. Thanks Lori! I am glad to finally be able to share all this, not only so that I can get some release but because I could potential help others who maybe in similar situations as mine! I want other parents to know they are not alone and reach out to them as support and offer help if possible. Love you too!